My liver just broke up with me...
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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