i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
