She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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