I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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