you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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