So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
