i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
