if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
