I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
just found out that she named her cat after me.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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