meet me or not, i'm out of control
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Randomize
