i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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