put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
