Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
