The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
