I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
