I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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