You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize