Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
