I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
