I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
