I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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