He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
so let's talk penis.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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