shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
