I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
i believe in u and ur pee
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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