I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
