I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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