I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Randomize
