explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
