'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
