In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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