who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
