are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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