If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
