i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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