I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Randomize
