apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
