sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
