probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
