I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
