Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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