how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
