I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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