Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
