I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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