i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Randomize
