im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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