So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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