guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
