I faked an abortion last night.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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