Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
