i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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