Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
