Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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