I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
She's not a foreskin expert like you
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
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